12 months and counting...

if you haven't noticed by now, i'm a big fan of saving up months' worth of information and then cramming all into one blog (read procrastinating). so, here is a "summary" of my days in this first year as a mother. they are just a taste of the triumphs and shortcomings that scattered their way into my forever altered daily life. no book, website, advice, or planning can prepare you for the day-in, day-out journey of motherhood, and these are the lessons i learned through trial by fire. don't judge me too harshly...

the first month
~worry~ i am not sure how i neglected to prepare my brain for this. however, one does not spend the days of pregnancy thinking about how much worry is going to accompany the sweet bundle of joy you have eagerly been waiting to deliver for 9 plus months. to be honest, the level of worry really quite shocked me. i guess the magnitude of responsibility just overwhelms you once they arrive. every single moment of their lives depend on YOU. i couldn't help but worry if he was uncomfortable or in pain or eating enough or growing properly. every peep or squeak or snort made me think something must be terribly wrong. granted, we did have a baby who spent the first day of his life intubated because he couldn't breathe efficiently. that kind of beginning doesn't exactly put your mind at ease when it sounded like he ceased to exhale. overall, i think the mother bear instinct to protect and nurture, no matter what the cost, truly consumes you from the moment they come out....and the sum total of so much desire and willingness to give them your absolute best is just a whole lot of worry. so it begins....
~ breastfeeding~ i will be the first to admit that i had a great misunderstanding about the ease of breastfeeding before i tried it myself. i was one of the great critics of women who gave it up because it was "too hard." after all, it's nature's way....it should be simple, right? simple, yes. easy, no. the concept is what is simple: your baby has the means to alert you when hungry for food. you have the means to provide said food. HOW-EV-ER, there is a multitude of learning that goes into perfecting this relationship. one of my lactation consultants put it this way, "the first six to eight weeks, you are teaching your baby how to eat." say what?! i thought they were supposed to know how to eat! that's what they are "naturally" born to do! but she was right. there is an art to positioning them just so, to teaching them how to latch, to making them drink when they would rather sleep, to keeping them satisfied. it is a dance that had to be rehearsed over and over and over. it. is. work. i distinctly remember the moment when all of the work finally paid off. the first time i plunked blake down in my lap and he knew just what to do and how to do it with minimal assistance from me, i couldn't help but beam. it just seemed so....easy. ;)

the second month
~sickness~ every time you feel like you're starting to get the hang things in the parenting world, something is bound to come and bring you to your knees. my first (of many) experience of this nature came in the form of a little something called gastroenteritis. for those not privy to webMD terminology, that's stomach virus. stomach virus attacking a helpless, one month old baby. stomach virus that lasts for 13 exhausting days. we've all had one of these in our lifetime. it tears up your insides and knocks you down. i wouldn't wish a tummy bug on anyone, least of all my newborn child! it is pure torture watching a baby (MY baby) clenching his tiny body in half with stomach cramps every few hours. i remember hearing him cry after a few days in and his cry had changed to this sad, sad hoarse little cry. HEARTBREAKING! he slept far more than normal (and that's saying something for a four week old). he snuggled constantly (sniff). he blew through diapers. and this is where i add salt to the bleeding wound...before this episode, i had not been using diaper cream at all. i guess in my new mother head, diaper cream was only needed if there was a problem. it never occurred to me to use it for prevention. and because of the now caustic nature of his diapers, and the constant changing/wiping every half hour, and the lack of preventative measures.....this precious, undeserving child developed a horrendous rash, on top of his already ailing body. how do you forgive yourself for something like that? how?? as i sit here typing this, i am shaking my head at the naivete of this bad mother moment...only to realize that i will be humbled by experiences far more "stupid" a hundred more times before this life is over. my poor child.
~swaddling~ everyone knows that babies like to be swaddled. i knew it too. i had gotten those velcro-wrap swaddles and dozens of receiving blankets before he was born. i was armed and ready. but when he came home, for some reason i thought he wouldn't like it. here was my (completely ridiculous, new mother) reasoning: in all of his ultrasounds, his hands had been up by his face. in the hospital for the first week, he had slept on his side with his hands by his face. thus, i deduced that he liked to sleep with his hands free. (here i am yelling to my old self, "he doesn't know what he 'likes!' he's been living in a watery cocoon for 9 months!") anyways, i recall one sleepless night, early on, when he kept waking himself up with his hands. i finally broke out the velcro-y swaddle and attempted to swaddle him...loosely enough so that his hands could still stick out, mind you. new mothers are brain-dead. what good was that going to do? so, after re-swaddling him this way three times in a row, i resolved to the fact that he just didn't want to be swaddled. thus continued weeks of very little sleep because i ended up with him on my chest or next to me in the bed. and we all know that you only half-sleep this way because you are terrified you're going to drop them off the side of the bed or roll over and crush them. zombie level commence. until one night, i had had it. i was going to swaddle him, arms down, no matter how much he protested. he cried for all of 30 seconds, while i was pinning his arms down and wrapping him up. and then he slept. soundly. revelation. i am ashamed to admit that it took another month before i realized i could (and should) swaddle him like this for naps during the day as well. i spent weeks with him either tucked in my moby wrap or not napping at all which made for one cranky baby (and often, momma). jot another one down in the what-not-to-do-with-the-next-baby category.
~the crib~ in the midst of all this swaddling nonsense, and when b was about 6 weeks old, i came to another realization. blake needed to be in his own room. he had spent the first month and a half in the napper next to our bed. but i was never going to get much sleep if he was in the same room with me. every twitch he made woke me up. plus, i no longer felt like i had a husband. marcus had taken to sleeping on the floor, in another room, or on the floor in another room most every night to accommodate the mother and child nursing and sleeping situation. blake and i practically lived in that master bedroom. it was becoming suffocating. i was also wondering what the point of having a baby monitor and an entire nursery was if we weren't going to use them. so i emailed marcus at work and announced the move. i charged up the monitor, toted the napper downstairs, and put the rocking chair back in blake's room. operation big boy crib was a success. a small part of my normal self started to creep back in that night. the self i had long forgotten was in there. baby steps.

the third month
~be prepared~ taking blake to the grocery store/on errands with me was a regular occurrence. his diaper bag was always stocked with pacifiers, diapers, gas drops, spit-up rags, clothes, you name it. i actually loved going out with him. i could pretty much guarantee that he would fall asleep on the car ride or shortly after being in the shopping cart. he was ever the peaceful, sleeping baby that people peered at and cooed over. so one afternoon, i took marcus' truck to walmart to get the oil changed and decided to do some major grocery shopping while i waited. i had chosen not to pack a bottle for this particular trip, because we rarely were away from home long enough to make it to the next cycle of feeding, and i didn't anticipate this trip being any different. so we left the truck, loaded up in the cart, and he fell asleep. i went about my merry way, casually strolling up and down the aisles (grocery shopping is therapeutic for me, by the way). before i knew it, i had a cart laden with the entire food section and a baby waking up from his nap. and then he started whimpering. i tried the paci. not what he wanted. i decided to try changing his diaper. still crying. then i decided to just nurse him, standing in the bathroom. one employee came into the restroom and, when she saw us, notified me that there was a family restroom next door. (what is it with people and breastfeeding?!) anyways, he wasn't satisfied with the nursing. i thought it might tide him over, but it actually made him more upset. so i had no choice but to hurry through the check-out line. but it's pretty difficult to "hurry" when your cart is overflowing....and you still have to pick up your truck from the oil center. needless to say, my "always peaceful" baby was screaming bloody murder for the entire check-out process. i was mortified. i think everyone around me felt sorry for me, but i couldn't help but think they were annoyed and thinking all kinds of things about my terrible parenting skills. the cashiers on either side and the people behind me were offering up suggestions to calm him down. i knew what he wanted though. after 30 grueling minutes (it was probably more like 3) , i finally decided to just take him out of his seat, slather on some hand sanitizer, and stick my finger in his mouth. it worked. for as long as i could make it work, it worked. then he cried on the way back to the automotive department and while i was loading up the groceries. for some reason, he decided not to cry on the way home, but that was okay with me. poor starving baby. sigh. we never left the house without formula again. i also have never had a screaming baby in public again. lesson learned.

the fourth month
~just let it happen~ if you are a first-time mom and a control freak like me, you are bound to keep a daily log of your child's eating, pooping, and sleeping habits. it makes you feel like you have some semblance of control, when there really is absolutely none. so i did it. i mapped out his dirty diapers, wet diapers, nursing minutes, bottle ounces, nap periods, and night sleep from day one. i will say that i did drop the diaper count after about 2 weeks. the feeding chart dropped off around 3 months. but the sleep chart i kept. perhaps because it is what i had the least control over but wanted the most control over. i tried looking for patterns in his sleep habits by shading in boxes of representative time (there are no patterns, just fyi). i wrote wake times and sleep times and re-wake and re-sleep times. i literally had a memo sheet in my cell phone that i updated every 30 minutes or so. psycho. HOWEVER.....i do remember waking up one day during this month of his life and telling myself, "this is so unnecessary. stop." and i did. holy, amazing liberation. did you know that when a baby wants to sleep, he gives you signs? and when a baby wants to wake up, he does? i did. i just couldn't see the forest for the charts. in hindsight, it seems like SUCH a wasted effort. but then, parenting seems to be an ongoing game of hindsight. i'm learning, people.....
~make it work~ nail clipping. what a dreaded parent obligation. i say this because it is literally like trying to perform microsurgery on the wing of a conscious hummingbird. in the beginning, the manuals and websites all told me to "do it while they're asleep." this is an absolute joke. in the beginning, i didn't dare touch him if he was asleep! and/or i was trying to sleep myself! also, if you will remember, my child had to be swaddled for every sleeping occasion once we got past those first few weeks. so how are you supposed to clip nails that are tucked inside a blanket?? my next choice was to try and clip them while he was nursing. he was calm, distracted, still. seemed ideal. but i could only seem to manage balancing him/clipping when he was on the left and my right hand was free. it just never worked with the reverse. so i was left with a baby with daggers on one hand and mere cuticles on the other. i needed a solution. badly. enter streaming digital media. up until this point, i had really tried to not let my child see the television. it put him into a trance. it overstimulated his senses. but all of a sudden, i connected the dots. this trance could be just the ticket for nail clipping! i looked up some baby einstein videos on youtube and plugged blake in. the response was instant. limp arms, wide eyes, totally and utterly distracted. i clipped to my heart's content. it was so simple! to this day, i still clip his nails this way....because it works! it is the most relaxing part of our week sometimes :)

the fifth month
~spit-up~ babies barf. it's a known fact. mine just happened to be the kind that barfed large volumes and all day long. when he first started to really spit-up in the first month, i looked up how long it was supposed to last...one day of cleaning up huge puddles of milk spew was enough to have me searching for an end. the all-knowing internet specified that spitting up peaks at four months. so we had no choice but to wait patiently (sort of) for four months to arrive. this means we dealt with an increasing quantity of regurgitation for four months and then, somehow, expected it to just stop. yeah right. re-read above and you'll notice that it says PEAKS at four months. if you look at any mountain peak, it does not merely "drop off" on the other side. there is a downward slope, just as steep as the upward slope. and so we had no choice but to wait patiently (ha!) for the rest of the "down" months to pass. he would soak through multiple receiving blankets every day. i'd like to say that you get used to it, but you really are just wishing every day that this would be his last day of spitting up. i finally asked our pediatrician when he thought blake would stop. he laughed (yes, laughed out loud) and said, "usually when they can fully sit up on their own or support their torso upright consistently." he was right. the majority of the spitting up lasted until he was about 8 months....which is when he started sitting without ever tumbling over. it definitely did taper down as those last 4 months went on, but it was a lonnnnng time coming. i have the stained clothes, carpet, and furniture to prove it.
~the sleepeasy solution~ i needed sleep. or i at least needed more consistent sleep. it's hard not knowing when your human "alarm clock" is going to go off each night/morning. it's even harder being the sole person who can put said alarm clock back to sleep. blake required a certain holding and walking routine in order to be put down in his crib. if i was lucky, it would last 20 minutes. if i was unlucky, it would take up to an hour of walking, setting down, picking up, walking before he would stay asleep in his crib. and please remember that babies don't just need to go to sleep once a day. so why, you ask, would i torture myself with this type of time-stealing routine for nearly five months? here is my reasoning...everything (and i mean everything) says that letting a baby cry him/herself to sleep is only appropriate once they reach four months of age. i KNOW that there are tons of parents out there who do it at 2 weeks old or whatever, but for me, i was waiting for the four month mark, come hell or high water. it just seemed developmentally appropriate to me. so i waited. and then, since he was born a month early, i waited four weeks longer, just for good measure. i wanted to be absolutely sure i was committed to the cry-it-out thing. consistency is key (for all parenting purposes, really), and i didn't want to be second guessing myself. so on the weekend before his 5 month birthday, i began a process called the sleepeasy solution. it is a step-by-step guide about how/when your child should sleep. and it is, let's just say, incredible. i don't need to go into the details of the book to sell you on it. i will simply tell you the results: 12 hours of sleep every night for 8 months and counting. plus two 90 minute naps per day like clockwork. heaven on earth? i think so. this baby has been trained! and to tell you the truth, those first several months of cuddling and rocking him to sleep are equally as priceless. i'll never get those moments back again. i think this finally counts as one of my triumphs in parenting. yay, me :)

halfway done. more to come...

movin on...sort of...

when we first packed up our little apartment in houston and moved to st. louis in 2009, i was admittedly charmed. while visiting in the months prior to moving, i had seen the ruddy old brick buildings of downtown, the green "countryside" not 20 minutes from the city and the colossal arch along the mississippi. these quaint "differences" seemed to beckon us to start the next chapter of our life together there. so we did. and as we drove away from st. louis one last time this past december, i couldn't help but feel a piece of my heart tear off just a little and stay behind. i had no idea what intrigue and fulfillment we would discover there. it was a magical place. for so many reasons. enough reasons that i feel compelled to share just a fragment of the joy it shared with us. maybe these will beckon you to start your next adventure there too...

four seasons: for people who are familiar with 4 seasons, this might not sound like that big of a deal. but coming from houston, where the two "seasons" are either hot and muggy or warm and muggy, st. louis was a virtual paradise.
i arrived nearly 3 months after marcus. he began work in march, while i finished up my school year in houston. when i arrived in illinois at the dawn of summer, i couldn't contain myself. it was gorgeous. green everywhere. sunny. breezy. just the right temperature of "warm" during the day. i was in heaven. i would take walks in the late morning without breaking a sweat, and at night we would sit outside and stare at the stars, smell the fresh cut grass and wallow in the sheer perfection of a calm night. when summer started to fade into fall, there was no mistaking it. gold, red, auburn, rust, yellow. massive clusters of trees would speckle themselves with autumn. crisp air and crisp leaves. sweater weather, i like to call it. halloween and thanksgiving now seemed to exist more than ever before. gradually, the leaves fell. on my drive to work each day, i could see the trees slowly shave down until they were bare....in the most naked, branchy, wintery sort of way. when the first snow came and dusted every limb, i felt like i was living in a postcard. and truly...bundling up in a winter coat and gloves and scarf because i actually NEEDED them was quite refreshing. drinking hot chocolate made sense. keeping an ice scraper in the glove compartment was finally worth it. boots were no longer just trendy footwear. real, authentic winter. and just as the cold would be about to overstay its welcome, you would catch a glimpse of the tiniest green buds on those long naked trees. you could literally watch them blossom with each passing day, until suddenly, all was green again. such visions of color and raw nature flood your mind looking around that place. sigh. it really was quite perfect.....
now, i won't lie. not every day was glorious. the second summer we were there, many a day was disgustingly hot and sticky. and the winter months could certainly whip up a hellish layer of ice and a relentless, frigid wind. but the point is, there was a distinction. there was enjoyment and anticipation of four different periods in the year. there is something good for your soul to see things cycle around you....like all is right with the world. and it really feels "right" there. i just may miss the seasons the most of all...

birds: maybe it's because there is nothing but concrete for 1000 miles in all directions in houston, or because the only bird that seems to exist is the ugly black crow, but i rarely remember seeing many birds in all my years of living there. which is a pity. take it from a lady who has a bird decoration of some sort in nearly every room of her house....birds are fascinating. so imagine my delight to see a straight menagerie of these feathered creatures virtually everywhere in st. louis. top sightings on the list:
~ robins ~ the street leading up to our neighborhood was rife with them. i'm talking the massive, full-red-breasted, take-a-dangling-worm-to-your baby, robins. one afternoon in the spring, i found a perfectly crafted nest perched on an eye-level ledge of our house. inside were three blue eggs. i felt like a kindergartener, i was so excited. several days later, i remembered the nest and returned to find three tiny, matted babies squeaking for their mother. i soon noticed her flying low back and forth across the adjacent lot, watching my every move. within a few days, the nest was empty. then i spotted two tiny bird bodies plopped in the yard. the third baby and the mother were nowhere to be found. i don't know exactly what happened, but i felt a little sad that my "class pets" were no more.
~ cardinals ~ how appropriate, right? i always thought they almost seemed like a cartoon character that doesn't really exist until i had several cross my path at some point or another. they really are beautiful. nothing cartoonish about them.
~ swallows ~ my experience with this species is not so appreciated. do not be fooled by their tiny size and delicate, wispy, forked tails. swallows are ridiculously territorial. RIDICULOUSLY. maybe it's because they're on the smaller side, they feel like they need to put up a bigger fight??? all i know is, on several occasions, i was terrified to go out of my front door or turn a certain corner during a neighborhood walk on account of their nest building location choices. if you happen to intrude within the 20 yard radius of their little "project," commence ear-piercing squawks and dive bombing. i am not exaggerating. and they work in packs! so it's not just one little birdie you're defending your life against, it's five! marcus had to use a pickaxe to crumble down the mud-caked home they were constructing on our porch. twice. and when that did not dissuade them, he had to resort to hosing it down until every last morsel of dirt was gone. i had nightmares, i tell you.
~ geese ~ because we lived in a fairly newer neighborhood with many vacant, grassy lots, bird flocks found our fields to be great rest stops on long journeys. several times each fall and spring, we would find dozens of huge, beautiful, black-necked geese settled in the open spaces, digging at the ground with their bills. it came to be a regular sight in the mornings or late afternoons. one of my favorite moments was on one afternoon as i was finishing up a run. i entered our neighborhood and a small flock had just taken off from the corner lot. their massive wings, flapping in unison, created such a downward thrust just above my head that i actually felt the "wind" through my hair and on my shoulders. it felt like i was a part of them. very neat.
~ starlings ~ we all know that birds migrate south for the winter. you typically picture it as far off v-shapes in the sky, making their way to hang with the flamingos in florida. but when the cool air of fall came our first year there, i was shocked and amazed at the reality of starling flock migration. imagine what a swarm of bees might look like. then double it. no wait. multiply it by 1000 until they are so numbered that they blend into one dark cloud. only the cloud is completely liquid, changing size, shape and direction at a moment's notice. these bird clouds are so captivating that i often caught myself overly distracted while driving. they loom above like one giant living creature in the sky. perhaps it was because we lived right along the mississippi river, but the show would go on for weeks. like a gray, midwest version of the aurora borealis. i tell you, i looked forward to their coming and going each season. how tiny it makes you feel. i just may miss the birds most of all.......

running: if you have known me for a very long time, you would know that running was always one of my least favorite things in the entire world. it's sweaty and tiring and leaves you out of breath and just plain HARD. i had no desire, whatsoever, to ever attempt to run even one quarter of a mile. ever. enter my sister. our first thanksgiving, the entire family was gathering at our new place and she proposed that we all run a 5k together. we agreed to indulge her, in the name of family camaraderie, though inwardly i was fighting it pretty hard. we began a nine week "training" plan in september to build some stamina. again, my commitment to training was half-hearted. even on the morning of the run, i was glad to just be getting it over with. but, oh did something change that day. call it the contagious adrenaline of the pre-race crowd or thrill of running with hundreds of other people in unison or the encouraging cheers of the spectators along the course, but something lit up inside my during that first race. my mental state changed from "WHY am i doing this?" to "i can totally do this!" it was an incredibly exciting transformation.....and i rode that high to my next race, and my next, and my next. if you have known me for a very short time, you will say that running is one of my most favorite things in the entire world.
so what, you may ask, does this have to do with st. louis? here i have to refer back to my first love about the midwest.....seasons. the truth is, if we had lived in houston when my sister had asked us to run a 5k, i have absolutely no doubt that i would not have caught the running "bug" the same way i did up there. running in heat and humidity is oppressive. it sucks the life out of the experience. and houston packs about 325 of such despicable days. but st louis.....oh you beautiful place.....is the sheer opposite. there are only about 40 days in winter and summer combined that i would consider "difficult" to run in. the rest is so pleasantly ideal. couple that with the miles of running trails, FAR from highways and smog. i honestly believe that st. louis is what helped me grow that initial runner's high into a life-long passion. i just may miss the glory of running most of all.......

social opportunity: our life as a couple in houston was very one-note. on the weekends, we pretty much hung out with a small group of friends at a house or local bar or restaurant. and that was the extent of our social life. the big events were never worth driving 100 miles to or fighting through thousands of people to see. the museums and attractions were pricy and, again, far. outdoor activities were a bust because of the heat or the lack of open space. we also lived in an apartment, so hosting company was non-existent. i don't remember disliking our "social life," but it was definitely predictable and very vanilla. so the never-ending list of possibilities that st. louis provided was just the spice we needed to liven our lives up. :)
~ freebies ~ most every public attraction in st. louis is free. the zoo, the science center, the art museum, citygarden, union station, the AB brewery, the outdoor theater.....the list goes on. of course you can pay for "upgrades" like certain exhibits or better seats, but the point is....it's WORTH driving to town for....and they aren't what you would expect to get for free. they are actually quality places to visit. even the casinos are free fun if you just go and watch other people blow their money!
~ the gateway arch ~ this thing never gets old. drive by it, lie under it, run up to it, ride to the top, sit on the stairs below, search for it along the horizon....it's amazing every time. living somewhere that there is a national landmark was fabulous. the fact that it was THIS landmark was even more fabulous. how stainless steel can be so beautiful, i have no idea. but it is. oh it is.
~ events ~ cardinals' games, mardis gras, oktoberfest, marathons, st. patrick's day parade, weekly summer music performances at the botanical gardens, (hot air) balloon glow, brewfest, taste of st. louis, first night....THE......LIST......GOES.......ON.........never a dull moment. each one a worthwhile memory-maker.
~ camping ~ this one is a little off the beaten path....more south missouri....but we were so very fortunate to be invited by a friend to join the most PERFECT CAMPING EXPERIENCE IN THE WORLD! marcus and i have always loved camping. grungy tent and campfire living for a few days. bring it on. the downside to camping in texas was that we always had to go to a public campsite (which was usually crowded for a holiday weekend) and the window of good camping weather was minimal...you can just plain forget about camping during the summer. so our offering was no privacy and the wrath of the sun. when our friend told us about a private strip of land along the current river, we were stoked to go along. we had no idea how perfect it would be. no neighboring campers. no park rules. shaded by tons of trees. instant access to the river. we could shoot off fireworks, empty our guns, build huge fires, skinny dip, scream at the top of our lungs, go racing down the dirt roads....you name it. absolute freedom to be one with nature. sigh. it was perfect. we made 2 return trips before the summer was over. it is unlikely that we will ever find such a match made in heaven again in this lifetime. it was so worth it, in fact, that we have considered making the endlessly long drive there and back just to experience it once more. we shall see....
~ entertaining ~ our hosting capabilities and opportunities increased by ten fold after we moved. not only did we have a house, but it was large and had guest quarters and a yard and plenty of space for entertaining. we played host to superbowl parties, sangria parties, the beer olympics, baking parties, thanksgiving guests, dinner parties and just plain ol' get-togethers. it. was. great. i just may miss our social life most of all.......

blake: no. st. louis did not give us blake. but we did start our life with him there. we had been planning his existence from the moment we bought that house. i waddled up and down those stairs while i was pregnant with him. we bought and put together his crib in that nursery. it was the first home he ever knew. he took his first bath in that kitchen. he slept his first nights in that master bedroom. i rocked and nursed him by those windows. i took naps with him in that basement. we learned to be a family between those walls.

on our final day of packing and loading that house, it all hit me. the furniture was all cleared away and the emptiness of the space started to overwhelm me. i started to cry. how could we leave? how could all of these amazing months and years be coming to an end already? how could we ever capture the greatness of this place anywhere else???

and then i looked up and saw the only thing we were leaving behind. letters that we had stuck above our bed when we moved in. i took a picture of them because no matter how much we would miss everything, i knew that what they said was true.

ready or not...

some of you know the whole story by now, but i thought i'd write down the details for those who may have missed out...

7/21 thursday pm: i had my 36 week check-up and the dr. confirmed that he was still breech. she recommended either doing a version soon (where they manipulate him to turn him head down) or scheduling a c-section in a few weeks. wanting a natural birth, i told her that i wanted the version and we scheduled it for 6 am the next day.
7/22 friday am: we got to the hospital and they stuck a monitor on me for about 2 hours before the dr. came in to do the version. during that time, his heart rate had been stable and constant except for two significant dips. the dr. took one look at that and got a concerned look. she said that usually means that there is some sort of cord compression. she got out the ultrasound and said my amniotic fluid looked extremely low. she said she wouldn't do the version, wanted to get a measurement on my actual fluid levels, and then we would "talk." i was wheeled down to radiology for an ultrasound and then brought back up and placed on a saline drip for more hydration.
7/22 friday pm: the results came back from the sonogram with the baby measuring normal, but the fluid around him only measuring in the 3rd percentile. she decided to keep me overnight to continously monitor the baby's heart rate and to pump me full of fluids. they would measure the amniotic fluid again in the morning. needless to say, it was a pretty restless night for both marcus and myself in the hospital room.
7/23 saturday early am: first thing in the morning, i was wheeled back to get my follow-up ultrasound. i was hoping for a miracle, but there was no change at all. the dr. called and filled us in on our only two options...sit in the hospital on constant monitoring and fluid iv for as long as the baby would tolerate it or get him delivered today by c-section. since 24 hours worth of fluids hadn't done any good and he was already 36 weeks along, she recommended the latter. we were briefed on how his lungs might not be fully developed just yet, but that he was far enough along that it most likely wouldn't have any lasting effects. we decided it was the best option. within 30 minutes, i was being prepped for surgery and marcus was getting on his scrubs. the pediatric nurse came in to talk more about his lung development and i told her i was sad that i would miss out on skin to skin contact with him right away. she winked at me and said, "the anethesiologist might not like it, but i promise i will put him on your skin as long as he is doing ok." i teared up a little at the thought of how all of this was about to become so real. they loaded me onto the stretcher and we were off to the operating room.
inside, they were jamming to some jazzy tunes and chatting it up. i honestly felt like i was in a dream. it was all so surreal and quick. spinal tap in. catheter in. curtain up. enter doctor. enter marcus. slice, pull, crying. i honestly have to say that there was kind of an absence of emotion during the last portion. it was such a foggy moment. they just took HIM out of ME? that crying ball of skin and bones belongs to me? is this all happening? marcus agrees that his feelings were very similar....somewhat vacant and in disbelief. they took the baby to the warmer and did his apgar scores. 10 is the highest and he scored an 8 at 1 minute old and a 9 at 5 minutes old. since he was doing well, she kept her promise and brought him over to me. she set him on my chest, still covered in his waxy smear, and marcus kept him propped where i could see him. i was in such a haze trying to take it all in that i didn't even to notice that he started turning purple. i kissed on his dirty little shoulder and tried to get a good look at him before the nurse whisked him away. marcus sat by my side to see me through the stitching up, but the nurse kept calling, "come on, dad" and took him out with the baby. i spent the rest of the operation shivering and dazed, completely oblivious to what was happening just outside in the nursery.
7/23 saturday am: despite his healthy start, the baby was starting to have difficulty breathing. they put a "hood" of oxygen over his little head, but when it didn't seem to help, they put an oxygen cannula into his tiny nostrils. by this point, i was in the 2 hour recovery room with my nurse, still unaware of the challenges he was facing. marcus came in to check on me and gave me the update. i didn't feel terribly concerned because they had told us this was likely to happen and that oxygen usually helps. after an hour or so, the nurse wheeled me, gurney and all, into the nursery and right up next to his warmer. by this point, things were starting to turn south. he was lying there in a diaper and hat, hooked up to an iv and the nasal cannula. he was breathing, but with each breath, he wheezed with a grunting little sound as his chest and nostrils pumped in an unnaturally labored fashion. it was heartbreaking. they put him on my chest again and i tried to soak it all in. i desperately wanted to just breathe for him, but we were both powerless to help. the nurse began to explain that he was getting enough oxygen, but he wasn't expelling enough carbon dioxide. he didn't have enough surfactant in his lungs to keep the aveoli open, so they would stick closed with each breath. because the hospital does not have an intensive care unit, an ambulance was on its way to intubate him, give him some surfactant, and take him downtown to the children's hospital. the emt team came into my recovery room with him strapped into a nicu stretcher. they gave me a small "transfer towel" and had me wipe my scent all over it for him. i got to say goodbye and then they were on their way.
7/23 saturday afternoon: i don't think this news really hit me until i started to snap back to reality several hours later. they had just taken my hour old baby far away from me. he was sick. he was helpless. and i could do nothing about it. marcus stayed with me for quite a while and then we agreed that he should go to st. louis for a few hours to be with blake. we had been waiting to officially name him until we could take a good look at him. absorb his little face. see what name he "looked" most like. since we hadn't gotten that quality time, we decided that blake seemed to stick and that was going to be it. marcus left and then i began to feel truly alone. no baby bundled up inside me anymore. no baby to speak of at all. and my precious husband was off taking care of him now. he texted me a few pictures of sweet blake, now sporting a giant tube down his airway, arms strapped around him, sleeping under the spell of a sedative. i had to cry at the sight and thought of this overwhelming situation. i couldn't help but feel selfish and guilty for not letting him stay in me just a little bit longer. a thousand "if only" thoughts flooded through my mind as i sat on one side of the river and my FAMILY sat miles away on the other side.
7/23 saturday evening: marcus returned to help me through my first night of recovery. he truly was to be my rock over the next 7 days and nights. he took care of my needs in the most giving, loving and diligent way, while balancing the back and forth transfer between hospitals and patients. our emotionally exhausting journey from hospital to home was just beginning...

last day with baby in my belly

5 minutes old....pink and "healthy"skin to skin in operating room....notice the purple tinge :(

marcus walking him to the nursery
oxygen hood attemptfamily pic after getting the news that he has to go to the nicu
breathing tube, iv, sedative....snuggled up with the "mommy scent" blanket